Ahem.

Where the hell are you guys? Ding ding, this is Rob keeping tabs on you. Consider yourselves tabbed motherfuckers.


If you don't take this shit seriously I'ma start telling stories...
stories like... THIS ONE!

Once upon a time there lived a man who knew how to break the second law of thermodynamics. Unfortunately for him, this would put the oil companies out of business. No one would be poor anymore, but no one would be rich either, and the richest people in the world wouldn't allow this. Hence, they locked the man up, put him in a spaceship powered only by water, and sent him to the Exxon moon base for the Criminally Innovative. In a hollowed-out space near the moon's core, the man lived out the rest of his days, going bitterly mad in the eight-by-eight-by-eight cell to which he was confined. Eventually, he invented a way to time travel using only leftover breadcrusts and shoelaces. Having done so, he traveled back two thousand years and started wowing gullible natives with parlor tricks until he slept with Pontius Pilate's daughter and was subsequently crucified.

The last laugh belongs to the pandas, who never really die but instead are sublimated into the intelligence that is harbored in a hidden orbit above the sun exactly one hundred eighty degrees away from the Earth. The rest of us have no eternal life to look forward to, but rather are all already dead.

THE END.


Now get off your asses or I'll give you a mind virus.