What is it...?

What is it about wanting to go after someone new once you get dumped?

I don't want anything from them, nor do I expect anything at all. The thought of perusing someone takes my mind off the pain for a few moments. It always returns in waves once I understand that I'm not really going to talk to the girl who's been looking at me. I wonder if it is the idea that maybe something will happen forces my mind to brush past the stabbing pain and rethink my reality for a moment. I never know. I can only question, and not being a psychiatrist makes it difficult to understand one's own mentality.

Also, I might just be insane... that's always a possibility.

Perhaps nothing has happened as I remember and I'm completely fabricating my relationship and my friends. I'm locked in a biological, quantum computer matrix called my mind. I've placed myself here, probably, because it is better suited to my survival, or it was largely liked by my ancestors and chosen to continue through natural selection. I'm now living those lives through my genetic code. What the ancients desired, so I am.

Being the product of such an event begs the question. What was so desirable about being able to think and feel sorrow and emotional pain that allowed natural selection to pick it out of anything else? Is it the ability to also feel the opposite extremes? I'd wonder why we aren't all completely bipolar. As of now I don't feel like I'll ever feel like I had when she loved me. Nor do I ever really want to feel that way again. Even thinking about happier times leaves a bitter and gritty taste in my mouth. Comparing it to now and seeing what could have been aches in my shoulders and hunches my posture. Why?

What benefit could this possibly serve me? Everyone who reads this is going to think I'm Emo or something. No, I don't cut myself, no my life doesn't suck... I just miss my ex girlfriend and am writting about it you twat! How's that for fucking the shit out of the 4th wall?

But, what benefit does it really serve? Can it even be called a benefit? Would I prefer a world with Prozium? Not really, but why not? Would I give anything to get rid of this pain? No. I see it as the remnants of the beautiful feeling of the person I love. Being the remnants, it reminds me of a dead star. Supernovae explosions are just as beautiful as the star was itself... it's just not as bright afterwards. The glow dims down, and eventually fades, but there will always be evidence that such an event took place even when there are billions upon billions of others happening all around it.

Mine is special.

I don't care if you agree.

Love. Period

As myself, I've often questioned what Love is, why it exists... IF it exists, but I already know these things. The act of questioning these things makes me think about them more throughly though. I wish I hadn't though, but here's my sorry excuse for an explanation.

I Love You, and I know you used to love me too.
I can't see you anymore, can't feel or hear you. You've gone, but not from me. This place is hollow and faded, gray-washed and empty.

I'm glad you left, I was holding you back. You needed someone and I couldn't pick up the slack. You're wonderful and beautiful, you'll find someone soon. Someone who can take care of you and support you too.

I've had many nights without sleep, calling your name, I know you haven't gone through the same. I wouldn't wish it upon you, nor would I put you to blame. It's my fault and my shame.

I just want to say, one more time. That I love you to death, and I suck and rhymes.



Rough drafts should never be published, I'll break that rule because I'm lazy.

Anonymous and Scientology

As an atheist on the internet I stumbled across a guy on Youtube known as Tunderf00t. Turns out he's a very big Anon supporter in this war against Scientology.

Here is his fantastic view on what Anonymous truly is and how it can win



And here's his take on how to win the war.

The MacBook Air Sucks

The thinnest notebook ever produced by Apple is a complete and utter waste of the tiny amount of space it takes up. This large calculator shouldn't even be sold in today's computing market due to its sheer lack of hardware power. Even if it were marketed as a cheap-as-hell computer it wouldn't make the cut as nothing else on the market is as weak an excuse of a computer as this piece of paper. Alas, the computer is NOT being sold as a cheap-as-hell laptop, but as a $3500 slab not heavy enough to be a door stop when you have no more use for it (which will be a few weeks after you open the box).

Lets look at the specs:
If you bump up the processor to a 1.8Ghz Duo core (less than anyone should get for even basic computing now-a-days) and get the new-age Solid-State drive the price is right around three grand. For $3k I'd prefer to get an Alienware with 4 fucking graphics cards and a badass 1080p (1920x1200 resolution) screen...

But! The cheapest version (1.6Ghz and an 80Gb disk drive) is only $1800. For 1800 dollars I'd much prefer to get, well, almost ANY OTHER COMPUTER at that price. If you were to spend 1800 bucks on this Frisbee then you'd be paying for tech that is several years old, a 1200x800 resolution screen (aka terrible screen with lots of jaggies) and not enough ports to really do anything with.

I'll probably update this later because it is 5am and I haven't slept yet and need some sleep.

Goodnight